Shamelessly Free: A Breast Explant Story
Explant & my relationship with my chest: September1994: 6th grade English class, a kid taps me on the shoulder “Ewwww are you wearing a bra? Isn’t that what sluts wear? Why do you have boobs already?” In one instant, I went from embracing my new developing body, to finding shame in it. I’d wear two sports bras under my swimsuit at summer camps & steal my dads shirts to hide my growing chest. And then I went to youth group, where I found even more levels of shame to be found with my developing body. Time and time again, I’d hear: “Don’t dress like that, you’ll be asking for it. Make sure you keep those hidden, you’re not a women yet”. I didn’t understand why there was so much shame in having a chest I could not control, but I did everything in my power to stay hidden. There was no hope for me finding acceptance in who I was becoming or so I thought.
September 4th, 2015: The day I became a mother and breastfed my baby for the first time, I found acceptance in my chest. Wow, I thought, who gives a *hit if I have big breasts, I could feed 3 babies with these things. I was SO proud of my body. Watching it carry a baby and now nourish that baby, was everything. And then I stopped nursing and to my glorious surprise, they shrunk! I loved having a smaller chest and it made me feel less shame in the way my body was built.
April 2015: Que in 3 more babies, trauma and a divorce and I was left feeling so inadequate. I thought getting implants was the only way to make me feel whole again, for the world told me I was now broken. In my mind having a smaller, perky chest would heal my wounds, but they did not. I soon learned that real human that loved me for me, wouldn’t care about me having a “moms body” but since I was so addicted to trauma, I didn’t believe this to be true.
August 2018: 6 months after getting them, the symptoms started. Horrible food allergies, cramping, hair loss, brain fog and feeling so tight in my chest at all times in the day. The longer I had them, the worse those symptoms became. But I didn’t want to admit I was “wrong” to get them and so I ignored it. I sought out naturopaths and began seeing so many spikes in my autoimmune issues, had issues with my white blood cells and began to get rock hard pain in my left breast. I knew deep down, it had to be my implants. But was too scared to admit it.
May 2021: Until this year. Enough was enough, I started finding more self worth in my body as a whole and realized these implants didn’t serve me anymore. They didn’t get me the love I found, I found it before them. They didn’t get me the job of my dreams, I built this on my own. And they didn’t add to my self acceptance, that journey required shedding layers of insecurity, not adding to it. In May, my son was diagnosed with cancer and with my specific implants linked to higher risks of cancer, I finally said “I’m done.”
Octover 2021: And so this is my truth: it’s been 3 weeks since I explanted and I literally feel like I woke up from a bad dream and got a second chance at life. I’m breathing better, digestion is literally 80% better already and I’m physically happier. It’s like the weight of the world was lifted off my chest. My surgeon asked what it felt like to have them out. And this is my truth: “It kind of reminds me of my divorce. Like I had no idea the other painful things it was causing to my body, until it was gone. There has been physical clarity every day, of ways those implants effected my body. Kind of like trauma, you can’t really heal, until you’ve stepped away.”
I feel so compelled to tell my story because I know I’m not alone. I’m not anti breast implants, I’m anti: “thinking you need these to be whole.” I’m anti: Every chest needs to fit in one sexualized box.” And I believe sharing my story spreads knowledge and knowledge is freaking power. So I’ll sit at home, with my healing stitches and rest in that truth.
There is no shame in your chest no matter what it’s size, shape or form. Embrace that you are already so whole. Xoxo Kimber
